I don't typically think of myself as having to control everything. I'm generally pretty laid back - maybe lots of people would even say a little too laid back. Mark jokes that on the Type A/Type B personality scale I'd be around a Type D. But tonight finds me re-evaluating and reconsidering the depths of sin. After a day of not-so-super-friendly side comments between the hubby and me, the evening culminated in a not-so-friendly-still-not-resolved argument (yes, I know I need to go resolve it but sometimes it's better if I process a little first). I felt my insides boiling and the anger/disappointment/hurt steadily rising. The house quieted down for the night and I sat down to contemplate a little. Why??? Why does my heart still feel like it's hanging in the air? Why does my mind still want to run through a few good comebacks just in case he comes back downstairs? Is it really THAT big of an issue? How did that happen? Where did I go wrong?
I started praying - pretty candidly. Things like, "Lord, you got to do something so that I don't kill him." I opened up the computer, desperate to read a verse that will calm my pounding heart and welling tears. And there's a blog up on the computer - not sure how - don't think I've ever read anything on this blog before - but there are 5 kids in this house and sometimes things get clicked on. Anywho, the post was about a guy, went camping, didn't like it because he was out of control, blah blah, skim, skim...until I got to this line:
"My guess is that Jesus isn't amazed by me trying to control and fix everything myself. Could it be that Jesus is amazed when you and I lose control?"
Hrrrrrmmm. There's something to ponder. Because I know that's what I want - control of the situation, control of Mark's responses, control of my emotions. And one big nice "fix." Preferably initiated by him:) Don't know what he'll pull out but I'm sure he can manage because it's all his fault anyway, right? And then we can go on because let's face it, the kids will be up early and the day will be busy and who has time for squabbling anyway. So to sum it up, a little space, a half-hearted apology from both of us because we know that we should, push it all behind us and charge on. For the Gospel. Because that's why we're here. To apply the gospel.
HELLO DISCONNECT! Are we forgetting something here? Oh yes - applying the gospel to ourselves and each other. So even though I'd rather sit here and think about how justified and right I am, here goes (remember I'm still processing so if you're still reading you're getting the raw deal). The blogger went on to reference Matthew 8 and the centurion who came to Jesus because his servant was sick. And this man of power, used to being in control, realized he wasn't. He could have given up. He could have fought to regain the control. He could have ordered his other servants to "fix" it. Instead, he humbled himself and laid himself before the only true Healer, Restorer, Fixer of all things.
So to apply: Marriage is hard. My parents I think have one of those rare relationships where they rarely disagree so this came as quite a shock to me 10+ years ago when we were fighting on our honeymoon. Sometimes I want to despair. Most always I want to regain the control and I fool myself into thinking that if I have yummies on the table and a clean house and a joyful attitude and come up with some great new thing to do with or teach the kids and can remember to affirm Mark and think ahead enough to really serve him...THEN all will run smoothly. Dumb. All good things that I enjoy doing and on paper should equal happy life. Why doesn't it? Because I can't restore. And I can't fix it all. Wise words from one of hubby's dear old friends that have stuck with us over the years - "There's only 1 Savior in this world and you ain't it." So we recklessly and confidently abandon our control to the One who sees beyond the momentary and He heals and He restores.
Ok - done processing - off to full-heartedly apologize.
(link to blog post I mentioned above - haven't read anything else so I'm not vouching for the theological soundness of it's entirety)
Smack in my face. Seems we had similar Sundays and you put into words exactly what was going on my mind all day. I wanted control. Wow, how hard it is to let go. Needed this so badly. Prayed for you guys. Thank you for processing this.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for your honesty, you are not alone in these struggles. We are right there with you learning to trust God to "fix" us and our spouses in His perfect timing;)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Thanks for being honest and open and blogging your heart; it's an encouragement. I often want to "fix" the children, so I can really relate to your application. I often feel like every mother in the whole world enjoys their children more than I enjoy mine. I love them to pieces, and I like doing stuff with them, but my first word is always "hard," while the second and third are "but good." Thank you, love you. Need to call you soon. :) And kids want to skype - mac is still talking about his car from Hank. ;)
ReplyDeleteLa - Hank was so funny about picking out that car for Mac - so insistent that he would love nothing more:) And yes, I want to fix the kiddos too. Call and we'll talk:)
ReplyDeleteRikki - hurry up God, right???
Katie -thanks for praying! i'll pray for y'all tonight. still kinda fighting my desire to be right...press on!
Thanks, Rachel, for sharing your heart. Prayer and time (in that order) help to defuse emotions and cut each other some slack. I wish I could tell you that old married couples outgrow these things, but we don't, even after almost 40 years for us. I'm so glad the Holy Spirit can work in these situations - sometimes in the blink of an eye! If it were up to me, the world would be in a real mess! We continue to pray for your family often and love to get your updates!
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel, do you remember the days when we would laugh about how similar Mark and Tim are? That line you wrote about "life would be smooth if you had a good meal on the table and clean house and..." I laughed out loud at that. I have said that myself. If only I could perform well at meals, efficient house upkeep and mothering, then Tim and I would always have smooth sailing days.
ReplyDeleteWell, I appreciate the fact that you vented for the world wide web to read because I was blessed, my sistah! By the way, that Reide is Cah-UTE!!!!! I love that walking video. how old was she in that video?